I haven’t been writing in my personal blog for a couple of years now. I always stop at the point of typing the tittle, ending without content. One of the reason is probably the fear. Few years back, writing in this and another blog (now privately/half closed/deleted content) give me nightmares that might hunts me for many years more to come. Well, of course that doesn’t stop me to write anonymously. I love writing just as much as I love reading. It just that I get too scared to even use my own proud name to get the credits I deserved.
But honestly.. reading through my write-up and my prior blog-post give a completely different feeling. One is formal, technical and facts.. the other just plain honest and being me so freely. I miss this most of the time. To write with a flow, as if I am talking to you.. somebody or anybody I know.
In reality, I am quite a selectively friendly and talkative person. Surprisingly I hate talking through phone. I prefer texting and writing or confronting people in person. I have a lot of ideas, which is so hard to explain to others. I get frustrated easily and my temper is bad. I talk without filters, and well of course do enjoy occasionally being sarcastic.
But sometimes whatever I think in my mind can come out totally wrong and different through my mouth. So there were times I reflected and become fear of hurting people.. but at the same time, my logical thinking say its okay as long as I am being true.
Contradict with when I am writing, we always have to edit and updates. We have people to read-proof, to filter and improvise. There are process to be followed. Somehow, the end result can turn to be totally different, overly flattery and a little bit not so original anymore. But who cares, people paying you anyway. Its not meant to be a 100% genuine right? As long as you believe its true and its acceptably fair to support your say, then that would be fine… right?
I remember during one of my travel day, having to sleep at 4am only to wake up at 5am just to meet the submission date. It was soooo damn stressful. More stressful than finishing my day job. This brain doesn’t always function well with words. Especially when it supposed to be on holiday mood. That was the one of the many time I almost give up on writing. I thought I am having a writer’s block.. but no, it wasn’t just a block. It was a disaster! Everything have to re-do. All my hard work was rejected. I cringe on the idea of failing. I cry so hard that day and sleep through my entire holiday. Travel for nothing.
I don’t know how I finally manage to overcome that. All I remember is that I write this title to quote my feeling and paste it on my wall. Then I keep on writing, submitting, editing, updating. Again and again and again. I lost count. I couldn’t even remember the original sincere content anymore. It was tense!!
Write.. Even if it takes 10,000 hours to master it!
The force is strong. Maybe, I will write here everyday too. 🙂