I once sit here, listen to the sound of falling water for hours.
The sound of the little girl crying eventually stop. Finally, I can have some quiet time cleaning up the whole mess my 1 year old niece did. Finally, I can breath. Those were the times when peace was a rare opportunity.
I used to spend a lot of time looking at the field behind the house. Nothing special about the field, it was just a piece of land that turned to a very busy night market on Saturdays. Every other day, it was just an empty land. But the wide space and the green grass is therapeutic. It gives hope. How did a land can look magnificently peaceful? It give me a cure, a little paused every time I started wondering what am I doing still staying at that house, cleaning and babysitting like a housewife but never married to a husband.
A house that is not a home, though you live among family, you never really feel that you belong there. Everyday, you just want to get out from that house. Go to work early, come back home real late. But that wasn’t even a choice. Whenever I want to go anywhere, I always have to burden people to send and fetch me. I am in lost of words with both legs tied, I am paralyzed. The environment is great but the public transportation is terrible here in Malacca.
I faced a lot of difficulties getting my driving license. When it comes to manual gear, I consider myself a total failure. Every stop freak me out, panic not knowing which gear should I use. Once I almost hit people because I cannot differentiate which of the three pedal I should step on. It took me almost 10 months until I finally have the confidence to take the on the road test. I even get my auto-car few months before I actually dare to challenge the test.
October 17th, 2011 was one of the happiest day in my life, that was the day I finally get my feet back, legally. The day I claimed my freedom back, my official Independence Day! I almost thought like I was being born again, feels like I am breathing in a clean air for the first time in my life. I can still remember clearly and exactly how sweet the taste of that feeling was. I can even tears to the thought of it.
Do you think I care? Naaah..
That day itself, I proved to myself, there is nothing on earth I cannot do. I have a good job, I have a great friends, I have my baby car, I have my license, and I don’t care anymore. I decided that I have enough of the housewife life, that I am going to live exactly the way I wanted to. There will be no more views of the field, but I never regret.
After looking around for rental room in quite some time, I finally settle down to the first rental room I visited. The house is really big but it look quite dirty from the outside, the room is too small with no window facing outside of the house which means I will never ever be getting any fresh air inside the room and it was hot like a sauna. Oh, don’t even mention the toilet because I don’t dare to look, but somehow I fall in love at the first sight with the stairs and the veranda facing a mango tree outside the house. Funny how the little details make me decide like a breeze. I can spend hours just sitting outside, looking at the trees, feeling the soft wind touching my face at night.
That first night, sleeping alone for the first time in my life, with the light brightly switch on, I can feel my brain talking to each other, I can feel my heart pumping, I can feel the blood flowing through my veins, I feel so alive. Although I cannot have a good sleep for days, I really really do enjoy the quiet peaceful night with nothing to do but relax after a long working hour. A total satisfaction. It feel so good like there is nothing can go wrong in life. Gone were the days of judgement, sarcasm words and forceful act. Thank you for everything, I do appreciate you days but please leave, you a never welcome to my life ever again!
I am proud to say.. I paint the whole room all by myself!
On and on, through all the excitement and unlimited freedom, without knowing what I have been up to, two years has just passed. Now I am here tonight, reminiscing the moments, jobless and penniless, with a lot of thought going on. I did have a plan for my life, but it was only until December. After going back hometown for a while and taking the big break, I am officially broke. The parents started giving me hints. They didn’t force, but I know they have been hoping for my return. Two years of freedom was my initial promise anyway.
Should I give up this freedom? Should I leave the room that become so dear to my heart? Should I leave my friends and life I love so much here? Should I just pack all my things and go back to start living the easy life with my parents again? Should I do work back at my hometown to save money and really start my round the world trip? Or maybe should I just start over find a new job here? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I miss being around my family, I miss hanging out with my friends, being away from them, working at home alone all by myself, although it was just around 9 days by now, I tend to get lonely sometimes and I seriously hate those feelings.
So.. what will happen to my January then? I have no idea whatsoever. For now, I just want to live this moment.