"Me" Time

No turning back!

Autumn in my heart

Behold.. This will be a very long personal post. A beginning of my new story again. I am not sure how this will be useful for me in the future but I really do wish to keep my thought this very moment in record. Be it a childish thought, so much like another daily rambling or maybe a remark of a new exhilarating journey. I don’t know.

Somehow, I notice this one very positive habit of mine. When I made up my mind about certain big things in life, it turns out by all means it is almost 80% decided. The 20% is just doubts, the ‘sure or not’ circle of question yet only a matter of time to be defeated. Well, I guess I am that stubborn but its not a bad thing right?

Three years ago, I decided to come to Peninsular Malaysia again without knowing what the future will holds for me. I promised the parents, “Don’t worry, I won’t be long there, just for two years. I have a plan. Please give me a chance to find my own future.” And, I add on a sense of security, “I am going to be just fine, besides my brother is there, he can look after me”. Yeah that’s how I convince my mum when I ask permission to leave that comfortable house even when I am totally clueless what will I do for living and only a month worth of saving. Very convincing right. Haha.

At that time, I have a regular stable job, the pay is damn low for a degree students but that’s the only work I can get in the fastest time after half year of unemployed. Its a lie if I say that I don’t care about the low salary. I complained a lot. But since I stay with the parents, and the working environment is great, I stick there for about one and a half year. The boss trust me too much, let me handle everything from being an account executive to customer service to salesgirl to store keeper to administrator to cleaner, to conclude it all I am the only office staff he need in that company. Omg, now that I recalled back, perhaps I am just too naive and stupid? Erghh.. But still its not a bad thing I guess, I developed to be well independent and capable of doing anything with very less supervision. That short experience teach me that, be grateful Ann.

Now here I am, almost three years later, to be specific only two years after being independent since I stay with my brother for a year, at this very moment, again I found myself in a same condition. I have a very stable working life with a reasonable salary and great colleagues cum friends. The workplace is not that good but not so bad also. I have a great head of department and my department member is superb, they really make me feel like I have my own little family here. My work.. yah its just work, so much easier than prior.

Yet somehow I still didn’t manage to find the future I dreamed off. This got me thinking hard, maybe I actually have no idea of what kind of future I want to live in. I follow the flow, where life push me that’s where I be. Just like that. Maybe I should just become a nomad, move here and there every couple of years. Live life to the fullest like there is no need for settling down, then one day just die. Yes, maybe I should just become like that. Great!

That when this crazy idea of mine start running again. Oh, I hate it when I have this enthusiasm to start doing new things. I have too much idea in mind until my head want to explode, bursting out of excitement and I just cannot think properly. But I know, time will sort it out for me. By time the road will be clear, and I will find a way to get there. How? Don’t even ask, I am still clueless. So innocent thinking right? At almost 27, I still have no idea how I want to be when I am 60.

Maybe I watched too much movies and drama. But many times I am lost in a future vision of me living in a very green and peaceful farm, plucking apples and strawberries, playing with cows with my kids, and maybe on weekends camping out for fishing. Looking at the stars at night, watching the   waterfalls from mountains, just appreciating every little things. It feel so magnificent. No worries about money, no worries about time, no worries about the future, no worries about anything and just live. I always hope that is not just daydreaming. I really wish it come true but I just don’t know when and how can I get there.

So as for a starter, I think I am going to proceed with that long break. I don’t know how to convince the parents again, but I have to no matter how. It’s a matter of life and death. Well, that do sound stupid, but seriously I need some extra quiet time just to think.  Yeah, even this week I take leave just to think. My brain is too excited, I need it to rest in order for me to sort a way out a little bit. I desperately need to find my ~ that road not taken. Yes, I love you all, but I love myself more. And yeah, I am sorry to say this but there is no space for me to turn back.

Wow, I haven’t do this in a while, and it feel so refreshed now that I am done. Anyway.. Wish me good luck. Be great Ann, you can do it!

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